For now...

Over the weekend, my husband and I decided to truly pray about our little dog situation, while also going through the preparations of letting him go. We fed him his favorite food and tried to cater to his every need, although he just wanted to sleep.

One of the preparations was to prepare the site where Petee would be laid to rest. We are fortunate to have a lot of land, and as a result, we have a designated area where we have our beloved pet cemetery. This was my husband’s task, as unpleasant as it was; mine was to find a special “bed” in which he gets to be placed in his plot. We began our tasks with a prayer.

I began this “task” in Jamestown, searching different antique and second-hand stores for just the right-sized item. For some reason, I could not call it a “box” or “casket” – it sounded too final. The first store that I went into was an antique store and was asked by the woman behind the counter, “Are you okay?” Usually, when I walk through these stores (I know most of the owners because I live locally), I take my time but this time, I walked through quickly and with a purpose. When I explained what I was looking for, her eyes filled with tears and immediately started helping me but to no avail. After making some recommendations, I was on my way to another location, and again, unsuccessful. I made my way up the hill and down, and did this continuously for hours and eventually came home empty handed.

Once home, I sat in the car and came to the conclusion that God must be telling me something. At the same time, my husband came out of nowhere (at least it seemed that way to me!) and opened the car door for me, wondering why I was just sitting there staring into space. I recapped my travels and when I finished he said to me, “I don’t believe it is his time.”

Petee is eating, has normal “outdoor functions” and still barks when he needs to go out. And although he has impaired vision due to his severe cataracts, and fields his way around the kitchen slowly (sometimes not as well as others… but never in danger of hurting himself), there is a little sign of cognitive disorder. The one definitive change is his aloofness towards the other dogs and to us. He has pulled away with a stoic edge, as if he either doesn’t want us to know he is in pain or just wants to be left alone except when he needs something. He has always been a proud little dog. It’s as if he really knows he is a pedigree Long-haired Chihuahua.

So, we both came to the conclusion after much prayer that God, and Petee, in their own time, and without any deliberation, will help us to know and to make obvious, the answer. We are breathing again…, for now.

On Loving & Loss

I have been gone quite a bit over the last year due to my mother’s failing health and unfortunately, she passed away this past May. Coming back home to find my little Petee in a frail state was heartbreaking for me. Now I have to face another milestone that I would rather run away from… making a decision that I wish God would handle for me instead.

The little guy eats normally, goes out and “does his thing” and sleeps (as you would think a normal dog does when he isn’t eating or out “doing his thing”); but his awake time is not the same. He will not let us help him with his eye (obviously it is painful to him) and uses the sleep time to escape from the pain. He cannot find his way around very well, so he stands around or shuffles around in circles. But, he never complains, cries or moans. He is stoic, sweet and so tender hearted…

I know his quality of life is not there anymore. But he is still a life. Am I holding on to him because he is so much a part of the past?

Two weeks after we returned from Florida, after my father passed away (December 14, 2000), we decided to get a friend for Vinny. So, we drove down to a breeder in La Grande, California and adopted Petee, who was going to be put down because he had deficits. Vinny, (who came with us), seemed to like him, so we brought him home and a few days later, we celebrated Petee’s 2nd birthday together on January 2nd, 1998. (Vinny was born on September 12th, 1997) My daughters were 7 and 9 years of age at the time. They all grew-up together. Five years later, along came Stella and then eventually, ED.

So, I ask myself again, whom am I holding on for… myself? Am I unwilling to let him go because it is definitely saying good-bye to an era. My daughters are grown-up and have left home; my dad has passed on; and three months ago I lost my best friend in the world…, my mother, so I sit here struggling with the decision that was recommended to me by our Veterinarian as well.

Today, he couldn’t find the water bowl and even when I placed him in front of it, he declined a lick. Not the Petee I once knew. So, when Stella and I put him back in my daughter’s room (where he loves to sleep), I could have sworn he said, “no more” … and then he hound-wounded into a little ball, took a deep sigh and was back in a nap again.

I know there are animal lovers out here… help me through this please. I so want him to leave this world naturally but do not want him to suffer. He’s so precious and beautiful, that I cannot stand to do the other… even though it is probably the humane thing to do. I have also been through so much loss this year that I get I cannot make this decision with an emotional heart.